“Sleep, those little slices of death — how I loathe them.”– Edgar Allan Poe
Is it possible to have a third or quarter life crisis?
With the looming completion of another turn around the sun for me, sleep has become somewhat of a commodity. I’ve found myself laying in bed for hours, thinking about any, and everything in my life. Past, present, and future. Or, if I don’t stay up initially, I will wake in the middle of the night and start going down that rabbit hole. The question always seems to be the same though…
“What the hell am I doing here?“
I’ve been so lucky in my life. I’ve had some incredible adventures, and been fortunate enough to experience some incredible things, as well as people. I’ve had the pleasure of knowing so many wonderful friends, random strangers, and lovers. Every interaction I’ve had with these people has in some way shaped who I am and who I’ll be in the future.
The older I get though, the more I can’t help but wonder what I’m actually here to do. I suppose you could say that I’ve found myself increasingly missing my sense of purpose in this world. This feeling keeps me up at night and wakes me up in the early morning hours. It makes my chest feel tight and makes me want to scream and yell out into the darkness. But I also don’t know where or when I will figure it out, if ever.
This lack of a sense of purpose is also a lead into a wondering if I’m even doing this whole ‘Life’ thing right. In my 20’s I wanted desperately to have the white picket fence life. Settle down, get married, and find my little spot in the world with someone, doing something meaningful. As time passed and events happened, I started to make cuts to that dream, then started to completely wipe it out. I suppose that is a pretty normal part of life and everyone goes through something like that in some form or another at some point. It really doesn’t make me special.
I’ve found that giving a shit about those things was weighing on me as my life steered further from that reality so I decided to focus on building a life that I would be proud of. That would bring me joy and give me stories for my older years. And I have done that. That goal has been completed.
Now what do I do? Do all of my passions and hobbies actually mean anything in the long run? Should I be doing something more? Does any of this matter? Is this even something worth worrying about? Maybe one day I’ll be able to look back at this post and wonder why I was so worried. Or maybe one day I’ll be able to make peace with myself, knowing that I have my purpose right here no matter what.