Burning that midnight oil

Well it’s been what feels like a lifetime since I’ve written anything here.

This blog got very quiet when the world got very dark and that what somewhat intentional. The world and life was very chaotic, and in many ways still is, but there are some ways that we are starting to return to normalcy. Sometimes I feel as though this is something I need to write for everyone else as it’s on a public forum. But really, it’s for my own self. I’ve missed expressing myself here and a good friend has encouraged me to continue to do so.

I could bore you with a recap of what I’ve been up to the last couple months but I don’t think that I will. Instead, I want to reflect on some soul searching that I’ve been doing as of late as my life is moving to another location.

People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have some resonances with out own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.

Joseph Campbell

My time in the mountains is drawing to an end, and I am continuously presented with the same question from me peers…. “What will you do when you get there?”. This is a question that I have yet to find an answer to, both professionally and personally. I keep feeling like I need to find some meaning in this life of mine and that I need to pursue it. The trouble is that I’ve struggled for a long time, and continue to struggle with finding that meaning.

Maybe what I am seeking is a feeling of being alive. Maybe I am struggling to find something that reflects who I am as a human being. With everything going on I have struggled to continue to see the world, to meet people, and to experience new things that I wouldn’t find here. I’ve been forced to find passions that I can do from the comfort of my own space. Which has presented it’s own challenges since I have not actually had that luxury either. What it’s felt like is that I am in some sort of slow moving purgatory. How do you find joy in that? When there is no joy in something is it even worth doing?

That feeling, that rapture, of being alive, is something that I’ve been missing for a long time. It’s the feeling of the wind in your hair while speeding down the highway 1. It’s the feeling of looking out over the valley after reaching the summit of heart mountain. It’s walking outside and feeling the sun warm your skin with it’s endless summer heat. It’s tasting a new food for the first time and having your taste buds exclaim pure joy. It’s waking up in the arms of someone you love, knowing that no matter what happens, you are lucky enough, in this moment, to experience this.

I think in the end this is really the feeling that we are all chasing. It’s not so much a meaning to life, but an experience of life. That matches our innermost desires and matches our innermost selves.