What Exactly Am I Doing Here?

I am not a writer. I’ve been fooling myself and other people.

John Steinbeck

Well, the last month has been pretty busy for me. After my last post, I decided to dive head first into building a life that I’ve wanted. For a long time I sat around and kind of hoped that friends and experiences would somehow find me at home. Anyone who knows anything about real life though, knows that this is never going to be the case.

So out I went.

I went to events where I knew no one, in the hopes that I would start making some connections. And guess what…. I did! I’ve met so many wonderful people and had the opportunity to go and do so many great things. This is the start of this great adventure and I couldn’t be more thrilled. There is though, this nagging voice in the back of my head that always seems to be there. This overwhelming feeling of inadequacy.

I suppose the technical term would be imposter syndrome. This is something that I’ve dealt with my entire life. Hell, even as I write this I’m struggling with it. I don’t feel as though I could be considered a writer, a cook, a professional, or even a friend sometimes. I’m not a celebrated novelist, poet, or Pulitzer-prize winning author. I’m not a chef that’s featured as a cameo on Gordon Ramsay’s, or Jamie Oliver’s shows. I don’t have a 3 Michelin star restaurant that is displayed proudly on the Champs-Élysées. I don’t work in an office building or commute downtown. And some days, my phone is silent. How can I say that I’m any of these things if I don’t even have a fraction of that?

It’s very likely that everyone at some point has experienced something like this in their lives. I’ve tried talking myself in to believing that I am actually all of these things, just in a different capacity and it’s starting to work but that voice comes up when I meet someone new, and it comes back loud and hard. How do I convince myself that I am in fact, all of these things in public just as much as I am these things in the privacy of my own home? Does anyone else think that this is a bit a silly statement? Because I do. I suppose it may just require more trial and error and more of myself forcing me to jump out of my comfort zone.

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