Today was not a win.

“Isn’t it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”

― L.M. Montgomery

It’s been 9 days, but it’s starting to feel like a lifetime.

Last week I had set a goal to add an extra km to my runs every day. So far this week, I have been achieving that goal. Except for today’s colossal failure. Out of the 6 kilometres that I did go, I ran maybe…. 3? Everything in my heart and soul and body was telling me it didn’t want to do that today, and I caved. I let myself give up. And I am angry at myself for that. Normally I can push through and get it done, but today I just gave up. And I hate that.

Today is also the day I was supposed to be on a flight south. It was supposed to be a much needed solo trip. I guess it could be some thinly veiled way to “Find myself”, if you will. So I am feeling a little defeated by the fact that I am sitting here at my computer in my house still.

I’ve started dreaming again; mostly nightmares. Which means I am sleeping less, and I am sure is helping to exacerbate these feelings of defeat and apathy right now. I am not sure if they are due to just the fact that I have nothing to distract myself from my own thoughts or if I am simply not doing enough in the day to tire my brain out.

All of these things came to a head right before writing this, when I called the dentist to ask about getting a filling done. She said that the only thing they will do right now is try to alleviate the pain. That was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I’m sure she could tell that I was crying when I said goodbye. Not one of my prouder moments but, here we are…. Crying on the phone to the poor essential employee that answered the phone. I’m sorry, receptionist stranger. You don’t deserve that mess.

Through the course of this past week, I have felt this dark cloud trying to creep up and take over while in isolation. This is something that I am no stranger to and have been able to fight off pretty well through exercise, diet, and mindfulness exercises that I have been practicing pretty religiously over the last few years. But right now it feels like it is getting closer the longer this isolation lasts. At this point it looks like a battle of wills now. Do I let this thing win or do I take this opportunity to come out swinging?

Tomorrow is a new day and a new start. But for today, it looks like it’s about time to write it off… It’s 5 o’clock somewhere right? Hopefully everyone is managing to stay mostly positive through this crazy part of history!

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