“One ought, every day at least, to hear a little song, read a good poem, see a fine picture, and, if it were possible, to speak a few reasonable words.”
― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
If I was to die tomorrow, would I be happy with the life that I’ve lived?
This is a question that I’ve often asked myself. Would I have lived a life that my loved ones would admire? What if I leave this world without making a difference? Will I ever accomplish something that will immortalize me in history books or will I be just another insignificant cog in the human history machine. Will I be okay with that?
Asking that question now even, has caused me to write, re-write, and write this again. Failing each time to find the words to best describe my thoughts spiraling down through my own mortality as they have these last 6 months.
When I was a teenager I watched my Grandmother lose every ounce of who she was to Dementia. It’s a horrible disease that steals someone from right in front of your very eyes. They become a shell of a human being until finally being given the mercy of dying. One the record, they say that this is not a genetic concern. However, my mother has now started going down this road. Through this process I came to learn that my great grandmother also dealt with it. So, this may be something that pretty well seals my fate. Everyone dies. One day we’ll all take our last breathes. This is the only thing on this planet that is certain for all of us. Knowing however, that the likelihood that my life as I know it will end in a somewhat finite number of years has started to really make me feel like I’m running out of time. If I’m lucky I have another 40 years. Saying it makes it seem like a lifetime away at 37 but it’s something that spikes my internal anxiety every time.
I’ve never been one to sit still or one to wait around until someone brings some kind of experiences or adventures into my life. I’ve done more in the last 10 years than some people will do in their entire lives but for me it’s not enough. I’ve said before that I live my life in moments and the last six months I’ve felt that I’m running out of those despite my best efforts. What if I blink and it’s 40 years later and I start losing myself without seeing the Great Pyramids of Giza because I’m working so much to advance my career? What if I close my eyes for the last time without experiencing the Northern Lights in Lapland? What if doing those things aren’t even what a good life is at the end of it all? What if I miss out on climbing the corporate ladder and becoming a powerful woman because I’m off chasing herds of water buffalo in the Serengeti? What if I’m laying in my death bed regretting my choice to never have kids because I wanted to ride through death valley on a Motorcycle with my ride or die? My greatest fear is falling into the abyss while still wishing I had achieved something and I am starting to wonder if I will ever feel like I’ve done everything I wanted to do.
The best that I can figure is that to live a good life is to be content. Not happy, but content. We have a habit here in North America to believe that to live a good life is to be happy all the time. That’s something that’s truly unachievable I believe. Being happy every day of your life is not something that will happen to anyone. We all have some truly tough days and some genuinely dark moments. So we are doing ourselves a disservice if we aspire to be happy all the time and find ourselves failing all of the time. To be content is to be satisfied with what you have. I want to wake up, no matter what’s going on, and think that I am lucky to have what I do.
Right now, I get to wake up next to my partner, with fresh coffee brewing, and the sun shining while the birds sing in the morning. I get to experience different cultures and see many incredible things all around the world on a frequent basis. I get to ride my motorcycle wherever I please and I get to feel that wind on my chest. I get to experience my own personal freedom and I get to try new things to my hearts desire. I don’t go without meals or housing and I have the ability to enjoy my passions. In fact, I have too many hobbies lately. More than I have the time to pursue. It’s hard to see when I’m stuck in darkness like I have been all of this year, but I guess, if I was to say that I’ve lived a good life, I would believe myself.
My Avocado Toasts 
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